Hooked for all the wrong reasons
It is most funny that when a girl wraps up her college years, she is expected by (almost) everyone, even those silent figures in the corner who do not articulate the questions, to get engaged. Allow me to be street for a while and say: man, that’s just wrong.
What pressure this generates, added to that fallen saint Valentine’s Day on February 14th, is truly will-breaking. And what’s scary about it is that most girls give in to it, they somehow feel “obliged” to tie the knot without fully understanding what they are about to commit themselves to.
The Jordanian society, for what layers I have known of it, pours such emphasis on getting engaged before, say, turning 25. After 25, a girl gets an overdose of those sugar-coated wishes of “Obalek” at every social gathering, engagement party, or wedding, that’s Jordanian for ” Wishing the same happens to you”, those wishes that actually mean: “Why is there no rock on that finger of yours, yet?”.
With this state of affairs, it is very natural to find impressive numbers of girls who got hooked for the wrong reasons, realised what errors they made, broke up, and are being judged by the rest of the saints. Wrong delivers wrong.
The role of parents is very crucial in shaping this dilemma. Some parents put their girls under such pressure to “find a man”, preferably one with a wholesome bank account, right after they graduate. Some girls get influenced with what their friends do or preach, taking this to a personal level, most of my own girl friends are all about this talk lately that I find it hard to be around them for long. It degrades me, I am not all about finding someone to fill some gap in my life just because Amman thinks so, much less because it is hype to have a boy tagging along everywhere I go.
Getting engaged is not the ultimate quest of a girl’s life, and it should not be pictured as such. It is a choice a girl should make when she is ready, not when society thinks she’s ripe and ready to be picked by that chevalier.
A girl should know her options. If she’s in a satisfying relationship with someone then all the better. If she is into her girl friends more than the knights, then so be it. If she does not accept or respect the institution of marriage, then all the sinister sounds should step back and bow to that.
Update: I present my apologies for the longish entry, and for the tone I used. Trust that I do not make light of this issue, and that I had not the slightest intention to talk as much about it. Plus I have just changed the date and time of the entry to suit this update.
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January 14th, 2006 at 11:30 pm
Toloty, your post is hilarious and true. It is unbelievable the amoutn of pressure that women in Jordan have to function under to meet the expectations of their famiies and society. And as you said, they usually forget about what they really want and need.
January 14th, 2006 at 11:35 pm
You can add my voice to yours. In fact I think it’s not the girl’s mistake, it’s the mother’s, and most mothers want to see the “grandchilds”.
January 14th, 2006 at 11:35 pm
Thank you for this post Tololy! That’s one of the most annoying things about graduation; that you enter the ‘bride shopping’ catalogue, and that everyone assumes that your time has come to be married!
January 15th, 2006 at 12:25 am
Great post Tololy! I’ve been meaning to write a topic about this for ages.. bas you said it wonderfully :)
January 15th, 2006 at 12:46 am
“It is most funny that when a girl wraps up her college years, she is expected by everyone, even those silent figures in the corner who do not articulate the questions, to get engaged.”
Curious.. ive been away from jordan for quite sometime now, but still, i dont recall it being that dramatic.. at least not “everyone”.. IMHO, To some extent, jordan.. (Amman to be more specific), is one of the very few places in the middle east, well on it’s way to achieving a certain balance when it comes to that specific issue.. Parents do want their children to thrive, be they boys or girls. & thriving, doesnt necessarily mean tying the knot..
Now, while i do not argue the fact that a considerble crowd does forsee academic/professional wellbeing of their beloved girl(s) (among many other things), to be a guaranteed recipe for a definite bullseye marriage.. it just feels a bit too much of a generalisation to say that everybody thinks this way..
My two cents.. for better or worse.
January 15th, 2006 at 1:07 am
Anonymous Coward,
When right is present, one should abandon wrong. I agree with you that I ought to have monitored my diction concerning the “everyone” bit. As a matter of fact, I will make it “almost everyone”, since that would be closer to what common sense demands. Kindly keep them valuable comments coming.
Roba,
Thanks for the compliment. Do write about it, I am sure you have a lot to say.
Lina,
So true. It is pathetic.
Black Cats,
I think parents play a major role in steering the lives of their children.
Issam,
Welcome back. There’s much to be said about what women go through in Jordan. I might post about other topics as well, in the future. Stay tuned.
January 15th, 2006 at 2:53 am
society, i would say, is like a wild animal… its stupid, but powerful… you cant reason with it, but if you dont act to what it pleases, it might bloody hell attack.
its nvr easy to master the rules of the wise, but acknowledging the existance of such social trends are first keys to escape it.
co-incidently, just days ago, one reader of my blog taught me one saying, it goes like: “ignorance is mother of devotion. knowledge is mother of revolution.”, in such spirit i salute u. :D
January 15th, 2006 at 5:13 am
i am in your shoes and my mother is an especially brilliant nagger. if you only got the pressure after finishing university then you are lucky. i have been on mom’s special diet watch since i was 10 years old. or maybe since birth but i didnt realize. she is afraid i will be fat and not get married. parents have put all their hopes and dreams in their children and when they get older their only joy is to see grandchildren. nothing else makes them happy. parents dont believe in fairytale love nor did they experience it. they want you to find a boring stable man that wont leave you. and yes will provide for his family. for them this is the definition of ideal husband. in those days they were oddly paired. as for me, i am looking for someone who can understand me, respect me, and entertain me. intelligence is a must. and with intelligence the money will come.
January 15th, 2006 at 8:32 am
Tololy,
You have done a great job describing the headache, but at the same time you have said nothing about the Asprin!
What is the alternative? Do you have an exit strategy?
To put it a little more bluntly, are you advocating perpetual spinstership?
You must take into consideration that the woman has a biologocal clock, the best time to procreate is between 20 and 30.
If the woman desires to pursue a professional career, she still can accommodate both; her family as well as her professional aspirations.
January 15th, 2006 at 9:02 am
I am not advocating anything but free choice, Hatem Abunimeh. Never have I pretended to have magical solutions for social problems, and this is one.
The bottom line is that when something is not right, it should be pointed out, people should know about it. What they do afterwards is their own business, this topic I wrote about is one example. I say a girl should not make a decision in a rush and sign a binding paper when she does not know what life has to offer her, yet. With this pressure many girls are under, they have modest chances to explore their options, thus the possibility that they will regret this call later is high.
My question to you is: Suppose she does not want to “reproduce?”. Should she do it anyway because society says it is what she should be doing? Is that not the biggest crime against humanity, added to the first error?
January 15th, 2006 at 10:05 am
Right on..Tololy.As soon as you graduate,people start seeing you!it’s as if you were invisible to the matchmaker’s eye and now you are there:you have colors ,and can be seen.Everyone wants to introduce you to someone,3ammatek w khalatek w sahbatek el kha6been,kol 7ada!!and the pressure,my God the pressure is awful.My aunt once followed me to the office to convince me that the 3arees she got me was la’6a ma bitfawwat!God I’m glad I’m over this now..other peoples noses n my Love life that is.Good luck girls and just keep a shut eye and a deaf ear.Great Post!
January 15th, 2006 at 11:56 am
This is a universal problem. I watch the way my parents (mostly Mom, of course) try to arrange meetings between the daughter of these cousins and the son of those friends, this person’s child with that person’s child, etc., not even having their energies sapped with a highly unsuccessful attempt, where the man eventually became quite religious and it turned out that the woman was gay (which I had suspected at the time, but try to stop Mothers on a Mission!)!
I watch the parents of my single friends in their 30s - the friends enjoy life to the fullest (one is currently having the time of her life on vacation in Australia!) while the parents call in favors with long lost acquaintances, anyone who might know of an eligible man with a pulse, which, at this stage, is exactly what they are hoping for in a son-in-law…
Clearly, this is one area where Arab mothers and Jewish mothers are frighteningly similar!
January 15th, 2006 at 6:00 pm
Tololy, every one feels what you are talking about and knows how that feels, and believe me, it ain’t just girls that get this nagging from their parents, uncles, aunts, or even cousins. Believe me, guys get nagged about this also, though it might not be as awful as what girls get, but as a guys who get nagged alot every time I see my family, believe me it “sucks”.
Why can’t people just understand that it ain’t right to marry just to get married; what ever happened to falling in love?!!!
January 15th, 2006 at 7:42 pm
For parents it come with the territory.
January 15th, 2006 at 8:07 pm
Mmmh…okay I gonna drift away a little bit!
Usually in any society, those who provoke change are women!They are obviously looking to improve things around.
So we have here another case of Indiviuality vs. Social expectations!
People take things for granted, even when it comes to marriage!
For example, if some random girl walking down the street accuses a guy of harrassing her, the policemen would actually take her for granted, as it is the norm for guys to be perverts, girls :weak,innocent indivuals!
You have done school(college) it is time for me to get married, this is the standard this is what everyone does!
Sitting in a Coffee shop for hours doing nothing but puffing Hookah and eating the “Yay ya Allah shu yummy” cheesecake is the kewlest, u should be doing this!
If you start questioning a prof in a lecture it must be that u hate him/her for some reason and ur trying to proof him/her wrong.
You live in Shmiesani,oh u must be Mama’s boy…
Actually I think this is funny!I usually tease my cousins about this, I’ll be “3o’balek ya rab every 5 min” infront of everyone, or sometimes if I’m mad at them I’ll be : Yeah who is that guy u like u told me about? It gets many heads truning :D (it comes with some side effects, like a bruised eye or sore fingers)
Tololy, wait a minute…don’t think that by simply getting married ur free of their nag, they’ll be saying 3o’bal u to have kids every 5 min :D
If u pass 35 and ur not married people will assume the following:
1. There is really something horrible regarding this girl , avoid avoid
2. She’s a tra##
3. She’s Lesbian
Aaah, the good old judgmental society!
Lina,Roba,Tololy,She 3o’balkom :D
January 16th, 2006 at 11:03 pm
What do they have a say in anyway…I mean it is you who has to live the life you lead and if you can’t find anyone desirable enough to marry it is much better to live a single life happily for a while than a married one that will end sadly…I was engaged once and it was when I was young and I can’t believe now that I thought I was ready then…Now I am happily married…then I would be living in a lifeless marriage with a harpy.
January 17th, 2006 at 1:52 am
it’s not only in jordan!
i am almost 26, 4 years out of university and still not engaged nor am i planning on it soon. ALL i hear nowadays is 3a2balek, w 3a2bel il farha il kbirie, 3a2bel inshoofek 3aroos this year… urgh! people! chances are if i am not engaged now means i wont be married this year ;) or the next year :P
January 17th, 2006 at 4:56 pm
I love this discussion, it is so rich.
Hello Rampurple, and welcome to Tololy’s Box. I am glad you found your way to this corner. I can relate to what you say about people’s wishes for your to get married, this could get frustrating.
January 17th, 2006 at 9:58 pm
“Should she do it anyway because society says it is what she should be doing? Is that not the biggest crime against humanity?”
I couldn’t agree more. I strongly believe engagement- the decision and the commitment to share your life with someone- is supposed to be a choice, an option among others, not a natural, automatic and unquestionable step that every early twenty-something female is expected to make.
The expectations society makes from a person are a result of the role it associates to them. A woman= a wife. A wife= a mother. Naturally. Ultimately. It’s inevitable for social acceptance and belonging. Living otherwise is risking only too much- everything.
The cycle goes on, from “3o2bal ma nifra7 feeki” to “3o2bal ma nifra7 feehom” (your kids).
I wonder how and when this can ever change.
Thank you for this post.
(LOVE the header btw;))