It has been some time since I last published anything in Tololy’s Box. As I had expected several months ago, my “presence” in the blogging scene has dwindled to ghost status. There is a number of reasons, very good reasons, why I have not been blogging as actively as I used to.

Some of those reasons have to do with the recent personal evolution (plenty of people argue it is the opposite of that) that I have undergone. I have had a tough year, (personally, financially, emotionally, everythingally), and the past four months in particular have been quite dark. So dark they have infested me with a trend of masochism that seems to pop up every now and then when the shit hits the fan.

As a consequence for that masochistic seed, my renowned love/appetite for my fingers was rekindled and topped off with a desire to poke and tear any fragment of broken skin on my body. In September, I believe it was in September, I hit rock bottom (or was that reality?) and it was ugly.

I’m inclined to believe that my life is unfolding as a saga of sheer complexity, perversion, and romantic blurs. I think one or two people alone have access to concrete examples supporting this claim of mine, and they know who they are. The funny thing is that only I know the whole story, unfragmented, and I don’t know what to do with it. Other people would, it’s excellent gossip material.

Other reasons why I have not been very active in The Box have to do with the marriage of my best friend Mai. She and I go a long way back and we are extremely close to each other. Her departure to join her husband in another country was a big blow to my carefully-constructed Tololycentric world, and I have yet to make my peace with it. It’s beyond difficult to accept the departure of a loved one. I think I do not enjoy enough mental dexterity to trick myself into believing everything is OK, at least not now. My brain is severely overloaded and tired.

In addition to that, I have been busy planning a move that has to do with my future. I have been acting according to a plan drafted in my mind in September (the irony!), and also plotting counterplans if the original plan proves to be a failure for some reason. All this planning combined with the emotional drama have left me publically speechless. This is why I have not been blogging much.

I would like to write some more and give you details about what I mentioned above but I’m afraid my little depressing, horrorish stories will have to remain in the closet for at least some time until I have understood them myself. They are a work in progress still, unfolding, twisting and turning, and I await their next plot impatiently.

Besides, my exposing myself like that would threaten the rumor circulated in the Jordanian blogosphere that I am paranoid. I can’t risk damaging that reputation or compromising that supposed niche, I thrive on it in my hours of reflection. It keeps me going.

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This entry was posted on Sunday, December 16th, 2007 at 2:05 pm and is filed under Personal. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.