Bad Karma
2008 has been a bad, bad year for me so far. I’ve mentioned this repeatedly before this post, but this current time in particular is very trying. I can’t wrap my mind around the enormous shitiness of my current situation and it astonishes me that I am still alive and willing to take it some more. It’s either hope or curiosity that’s keeping me going. Probably curiosity though.
I don’t like it how people tend to portray future life to be all perfect and happy if you get married or find the perfect job for example. That’s simply not true because happiness is always short-lived, and I don’t care if you meditate or pray or shop to sustain that illusive state, it just does not last. Maybe it’s just me but my life unfolds as a series of depressing or frustrating episodes with significantly few bright interludes that do not last more than a day at a time, if not only hours.
My family thinks it’s because I’ve abandoned faith. I say psshh, one would think god has better things to do than take it personally and take it out on me. Think of the wars and natural disasters and true and actual “sins” taking place and stop with all that superstitious talk, and then compare all that to me…a 20-something young woman trying to figure things out in an oppressive society. Seriously, he’d have a lot of issues if he were to single me out and pick on me. I wouldn’t worship that guy.
I personally think it has to do with my eternal incapability to decide. I can never make a big decision and be comfortable with it on the long run, and I also have a problem with authority. These two combined with my fear of time make for a very interesting cocktail — the buzz of which you must be feeling or otherwise you wouldn’t be reading my thoughts. But to me, the actual person, it’s not half as interesting as it sounds and I sometimes wonder why I can’t be just like everyone else. No overthinking, no calculating, no challenging, no arguing, more sheep-like than tololy-like. I really wonder. Just a tad of submissiveness is all it takes to bliss, honestly. I just can’t bring myself to grow that tumor. Can’t.
All of my life I made the decisions that were socially appropriate. For example, in 3rd grade, I wore the veil because my mother encouraged it and everyone around me had one on. I registered in the literary stream during my high school years because I hated math but also because I wanted to get a good result and make my mother proud. I had originally wanted to become a nurse or a vet (luckily for everyone, that didn’t happen.) Then I did not major in art history as I thought I wanted, because my mother thought that only dumb people opt for arts, and what sort of a job would I get after graduation? During college I missed out on scholarships because it was not “right” for me as a young woman to travel alone. The same thing happened over and over, but I was fine. It was when I started having trouble with adhering to social restraints that my life went downhill.
That started years ago. Now my life has almost hit rock bottom, but it’s not quite there yet. If I insist some more I can guarantee that it will be there in no time. I think I must have done some unbelievably horrible act of cruelty to a lot of people (not animals though, I love them more than humans) at some point in time in a different life, or maybe this one, to have earned this. It’s either that or I’m just seriously and chronically unlucky and designed to be miserable. Whatever it is, it’s not groovy and I want my money back.
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May 8th, 2008 at 11:31 pm
Wow.. this post is something I would write right now about my life. I hope you feel better soon. :)
May 9th, 2008 at 12:46 am
tololy, no, God wouldn’t pick on you because you are a very white person on the inside and you know it. i am happy someone like you is out there, bas its important inno tkooni mirta7a. all the too much thinking is leading you somewhere and is not aimless, sometimes we make 2 steps foward and change our minds to one to the back, but as long as you are moving ahead and thinking about a step forward, its soon gonna be action and its not supposed to be easy, i like to see things from your lens, it adds to me and i think you are on the right path. a little bit of patience, you will find what you are looking for.
May 9th, 2008 at 5:36 pm
C’mon Tol, what with all that! No seriously you’ve mentioned it yourself. The world is filled with disasters, sins, calamities…etc; millions of people can’t have food, water, shelter, health, security, peace nor any sort of livelihood.
Don’t mistrust, suspect or challenge GOD, think of your life and others life and always remember that you could’ve had a horrible unbearable life if you had to live under tougher circumstances.
May 9th, 2008 at 9:33 pm
Hope you get a reprieve soon, Tololy.
But I am older than you, and one thing I’ve come to realize is that life can be very, very difficult if you are a sensitive, thinking person. It’s a tough combination of traits (and, yet, who would really want to be insensitive and lacking in intellectual capacity?), especially in a world that really does have its dark side.